Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Runaway Boy

Once there was a little boy who wanted to wreak havoc on his household.
So he said to his mother, "I am going to drive you insane."
"If you drive me insane," said his mother, "I will have to chug wine from the bottle like a pirate at 12:30 pm. For you are my little boy."

"In order to drive you slowly and completely crazy," said the little boy, "I will dump a whole bottle of Mrs. Dash on the newish living room rug and massage it carefully into the fibers."

"If you dump the Mrs. Dash," said his mother, "I will go get the big black vacuum and vacuum the cheap spices off the floor."

"If you vacuum the rug," said the little boy, "I will get into your cake decorating box and dump those contents all over the floor. I will even stuff some under the baker's rack in the kitchen, and if some of the cake stuff is in baggies within the main box, I'll dump those, too," said the boy. "Then I will dump all those little metal tips and the icing colors on top of the other mess so the tips will get all out of order. And finally, I will open some of the icing colors and leave blue streaks on the floor. I will do this all in a matter of five minutes."

"If you dump all the cake decorating stuff," said his mother, "I will make you clean it all up while I'm on my hands and knees putting the tips back in order."

"If you make me clean it all up," said the little boy, "I'll go in the playroom and pull all the wipes out of the brand-new travel wipes pack for no reason. You will not be able to put these wipes back in and they will all dry out."

"If you pull out all the wipes," said the mother, "I will ineffectively put them in a basket not having the wherewithal to put them at least in a freezer bag in which they would have dried out anyway."

"If you are that much of a dumbass," said the little boy, "I will dump out the whole bottle of Adobo on the playroom table and floor, prompting Dad to say 'Oh. My. God.' upon peering into my lair."

"If you dump out the Adobo," said his mother, "we will have no more cheap spices left to cook with. Also, I will get the vacuum once again."

"If you vacuum again," said the little boy, "I will go to Grandma's house and pull all of the toilet paper off the roll and onto the floor when everyone thinks I'm washing my hands. Then I will come home and dump all the hand soap in the bathroom, the one that you just refilled, down the sink. There will be lots of bubbles."

"If you dump all the soap and toilet paper," said the mother, "then I will begin to stress eat M&Ms, fat-free sugar-free butterscotch pudding, Cheerios, buttered toast, and Weight Watchers cakes."

"Shucks," said the boy, "This is all so much fun, I might just as well stay where I am and be your little boy, time-outs be damned."

And so he did.

"Have a Teddy Graham," said the mother.

With all due respect to Margaret Wise Brown.


Blogger BettyBetty said...

Clever! Funny! Better you than me!

9:18 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

That was beautiful. Do you live in my house?

9:24 AM  
Blogger nomadshan said...

Awesome :)

10:56 AM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

I like your version much better! Much more realistic.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Funky Smith said...

Oh, lord!

10:29 PM  

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